As any loyal Marvel, Doctor Who, or Rick and Morty fan knows, the multiverse is a vast, incomprehensible, and infinitely possible reality of our world. Luckily, while the characters from our favorite series grapple with the potentially terrifying ramifications of a multiverse, we as professional football fans have the privilege of pondering a more exciting possibility: the perfect offensive season. No, this perfect season I reference is not a 17-0 rendition of the ‘72 Dolphins but rather, the most ideal combination of passing, rushing, and receiving leaders for each NFL team. That’s right - in this series, you and I will be granted the privilege of peering into the NFL Multiverse as we consider which three players each team would like at the helm of their offensive operations in 2023.
Before taking off, let’s lay down some ground rules:
Buckle up - the
AFC East Multiverse has just opened…
1.) The Miami Dolphins:
After Tua’s terrifying ‘22 tenure, the Dolphins’ front office would love nothing more than to see the 25-year-old quarterback shine in an injury-free ‘23 campaign. In this perfect reality, it’s only logical to assume that Tua and Tyreek Hill once again team up as leaders in the passing and receiving games respectively. Cheetah continues to prove that he’s worth every penny of that $120 million bag while Tua channels his inner Joe Burrow, passing for 4,000 yards and 30 TDs a year after significant injury. As a cherry on top, we also see the ‘Fins land Dalvin Cook, immediately boosting their lackluster ground attack with over 1,100 yards. No matter how idyllic it may seem, the multiverse makes anything possible.
2.)
The Buffalo Bills
Speaking of running backs with the last name Cook, Dalvin’s brother, James, is exactly who the Bill’s leadership team would like to see at the top of the attempts and rushing yards chart by the end of the season. In this universe, the Bills need very little support from the newly-signed Damien Harris as James Cook begins to establish his presence as a respectable RB1. Alongside him, Josh Allen returns to form, cleaning up his late-season act and matching an absurd 4,500-yard, 27 TD campaign from 2020. Even better - after three years of searching for a legitimate supporting cast behind Diggs, the Bills front office finds their golden goose in Dalton Kincaid, who posts a “Kelcian” statline of 1100 yards and 9 TDs in his rookie year. This mafia-friendly universe assuages the budding doubt surrounding Buffalo’s legitimacy as a contender and also makes the franchise less reliant on a moody, 29 year-old reciever
3.) The New England Patriots
It’s no secret that the Patriot offense is hurting for a key playmaker such as Tyreek Hill or Stefon Diggs. While, yes, a possible DHop signing might lead to a flashy Fall in Foxboro, I challenge that a more ideal universe showcases second-year speedster, Tyqaun Thorton, as a major player in the passing game. After several OTA and Minicamp rumblings, this reality may not be as far fetched as initially believed. Think about it: a big year from Thorton not only indicates potential long-term success, but more importantly, insuates that Mac Jones bounces back in a big way. With a significant step forward, Jones would pass for close to 3,800 yards and toss 25 TDs, giving this universe’s Patriot squad a legitimate shot to play in mid-January. At running back, Rhamondre Stevenson would once again rush for over 1,000 yards, further asserting himself as the premiere back in this now-sprouting offensive attack.
4.) The New York Jets
There was a significant period of time in early April during which I thought our universe would never see the Aaron Rodgers and J.E.T.S. Jets trade come to fruition. Fortunately for Jets fans, the vastness of the NFL multiverse has no time for such skepticism. In the perfect ‘23 campaign, ARod seamlessly commands Nathaniel Hackett’s Cheesehead-inspired offense, passing for over 4,000 yards and just under 40 TDs. On the receiving end of this offensive explosion, Garret Wilson finds himself in Rodger’s inner circle, catching 25% of the TDs mentioned above. As if this was not enough, the utopian Jets crew also sees Breece Hall play a full 17 games while rushing for 1,200 yards with significant contributions through the air.
And just like that, our trip through the NFL multiverse has to come to a close. While not all likely, the possibilities presented by our neighboring universes bring to light several realities within our own that we just may not be bold enough to see. If you enjoyed this read, be sure to leave your thoughts and check back for the next edition as we explore AFC South possibilities. I, for one, am looking forward to it!
Your Multi-versal Guide, Steve Wallen